Photography and Lessons Learned...

I wanted to talk a little bit about my photography. One because I love it, and two because through it, I've been able to learn and grow as a person. During the second half of the year (last year), I was able to really practice. In a moment of pure gutsiness, I sent an email out to the gals in my ward asking if they wanted to offer up their kids or families as test subjects. I didn't guarantee them anything and I made sure everyone knew it was for PRACTICE, that I had a lot to learn. There was a great response and I was able to get in some really good practice. I had a blast, too. And even though I made a ton of mistakes, one being making a family drive 20 minutes south for a particular location but forgot to take in daylight savings which resulted in NO PICS at all because it was dark by the time we got there, I was able to learn a lot about myself, my style, and what I ultimately wanted to do with my photography. The goal was, and still is, to open my own business one day. But I was really careful about how I wanted to go about it. Wally wanted me to charge up front, but I just didn't feel comfortable doing that when there was so much for me to learn. I didn't and don't want to just give myself a name, take a few shots, pop them up on the Internet, and call myself a photographer. I really want to know and learn the craft. Plus, I want to be fully prepared to start a business. I know what that entails and it is no small thing to do that right.

Anyway, though I was being cautious, I did think it was possible in the relative near future. But as the holidays came around, as the boys got older, as I dealt with family stresses and my pregnancy, as our budget became tighter, as the birth of our third baby got closer, and as Wally became more and more unavailable, I started to really doubt it would be possible. I mean, I wasn't even taking pictures of my own kids. I found my life being completely dominated by everyone and everything else, and when I found that I had hardly time to shower, I realized that this whole photography thing was not an option. At least not now. And I may have secretly been a little bitter about it. I'll admit that I went through a "what about me?" phase. I felt that my entire life was about supporting Wally, getting him through work and school, the kids, and our home. And though I was happy to do it, I was desperate for some time for me or to feel like I was creating or accomplishing something. And I began to focus on it. I even cried when Wally was called to the high council because I felt like he was being blessed with great work, and here I was having nothing to offer but cleaning house, chasing the boys, and waving my arm around in Relief Society as the chorister. It's hard for me to feel like I'm not contributing. (By the way, I'm thrilled that Wally was called to the high council. I am so blessed to have a husband worthy of such a calling). Anyway, it was especially hard not having time to continue with photography. Even now, since it's been so long, I'm wondering if I've forgotten everything that I've already learned. I began to think that this whole photography thing probably wouldn't happen until Wally was out of school and the kids were in school. Which puts me right around 40. Well, maybe 36, but again, I was a bit negative. :)

Anyway, things began to change over the last month or so. I've had some sweet experiences that have made me realize that everything I thought about myself and my goals are true, but OK. The truth is that it's not my time. Right now is about Wally and the kids. It's not about me, and though it's been hard, I've come to a sort of peace regarding that understanding. I also had to come to peace with the fact that I'm not one of those super mom/wife/business women/etc. that I thought I could be. I mean, there are plenty women out there who have more kids than I do, have husbands who are home even less than mine, and yet still seem to be able to make their businesses flourish or build their own furniture or make their own food blogs, etc. I really thought I could do that. You know, do it all. But I can't. And realizing that was a tough pill to swallow. Anyway, the point it that even though I do still get sad sometimes when I see other photographers working, I've learned to be at peace with taking the back seat. At least for now....

And so, my photography is on hold. I mean, I'll take any opportunity I can to practice and do it. I LOVE it, but a serious business will have to wait until I feel like I really know what I'm doing and for when I have the time to dedicate to it. And that may be a little while. Anyhow, I did want to post a few of the pictures that came from the end of last year. Though they aren't perfect, I am really proud of them. :)