I Can't Believe Moments Like This Actually Happen...

I realize that I'm waaaay behind in posts, and there's so much to talk about, but I swear I'll get back on the ball. It's just so tempting to stare at my new lil' boyfriend all day long instead.

First things first..., I've got to tell you about something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago...it's so ridiculous... :0)

Monday is the day that Christian has his weekly appointment at the Dental Clinic at Shands (by the way, I've been meaning to post about his little journey so far; I'll do that soon). Anyway, Wally usually comes with me, but this time he was stuck at work, so no biggie. I'd take him myself. So, that morning, I was, as usual, fretting about what to wear. Not because I care what I look like anymore, but because I still can't fit into any of my real clothes and it's too dang hot here to wear maternity pants. Anyway, I settled on a pair of white shorts that I could just squeeze my bootie into. Not a fan of fitted bottoms, but again, the heat...Now, I tell you this simply because it's relevant to the story later. So anyway, we head off to the clinic. The lil' one falls asleep on the way there and we arrive at Shands early; so far so good. I get him out of his car seat, decide against bringing the Bjorn and just carry him into the the dental clinic, which is when, of course, he starts screaming bloody murder, which causes everyone I pass in the busy building to stop and stare, to which I respond with a over-exaggerated smile. Anyway, the crying isn't a big deal; I can take that. However, as I'm making my way up the elevator, I realize that, all of a sudden, I have to go. And not like "Oh, I can hold it until after the appointment" kind of go; it was like, I must go and must go NOW!!!

So, I make my way into the bathroom on the second floor and since this is Shands and since the building is crazy old, there's no fancy place to put your screaming baby; there isn't even a hook to hang the diaper bag, so I lock the door and set to somehow holding the lil' one and the diaper bag in one hand while I use the other to unbutton my shorts. I won't go into further details here, but I will say I was proud of my balancing act. Anyhow, pulling my shorts back up and re-buttoning with one hand was a much bigger problem, plus the muscles in my right arm were screaming at me, so I slung "screaming bloody murder baby" over the other shoulder and get to trying to button myself back up. As I set to the impossible task, I smell something... something not very inviting, foul even...then I realize that I feel something....again, something not very inviting... I finally look down and realize that the lil' one had a blowout and that it was actually all over my hand - the very one that I was using to try and re-button my shorts with. And remember what color they were? Oh yeah, a nice new shade of smelly yellow brown has been added to the front on my crisp, clean, white shorts. Then I realize that I've got it on my other hand too, since his back is were I was holding him to keep him balanced over my shoulder. Awesome. Just plain awesome...

So there I am in a tiny stall, thigh muscles burning because I'm still balancing over the toilet, a screaming baby slung over my shoulder, a newly decorated pair of shorts, and two hands full of the good stuff. Oh, and the air wasn't working that day, so I'm sweating bullets by this point too. Now what to do? I very well couldn't continue to button my pants, nor could I clean anything with crap all over my hands, so the only option was to walk out of the stall with my shorts half-way down and wash my hands in the sink. I tried to think of other options and even wrestled around a little bit hoping to pull my shorts all the way back up without my hands touching them but that was a no go. So unless I wanted to add more decoration to my white shorts, I was just gonna have to suck it up and do it. So, I straighten up, readjust "still screaming bloody murder baby" over my shoulder with my arms, and head out the stall, walking with my legs far apart to keep my shorts from falling any further down. And of course, as luck would have it...two very cute, young dental students walk in at the exact moment I'm half-way to the sink. I'm sure it's an image they will remember for years to come as well as a topic of hilarious conversation for quite some time, too. Anyway, I smile, say hello and continue my wide-leg walking, screaming baby holding, falling off smelly pants wearing self to the sink. They just walked back out of the bathroom probably giggling like a bunch of high school girls. Anyway, I make it to the sink, get my hands clean and make it back to the stall where the diaper bag is without my shorts falling off completely. I pull my pants back up and while sitting on the toilet, balance "still screaming bloody murder baby" on my lap and get him all cleaned up.

Finally, we're good to go. I pick up the little one and head to the sink again so I can look at myself in the mirror and as I do, the lil' one decides to throw up - lovely curdled milk straight down my shirt. No joke, there's a puddle sitting in my cleavage. Again, awesome. Just freakin' awesome. So there's nothing really to do but laugh, and laugh some more, until I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Whether I really thought it was funny or I was on the verge of hysteria is something I'm still not sure about. And of course, during this crazed moment, yet another young dental student enters the bathroom. She must have thought I was crazy. She just kind of averted her eyes and headed to the stall. Anyway, after my fits subsided, I balance "still screaming bloody murder baby" over my shoulder again, clean myself up, wipe the sweat off my face and make my way to the waiting room...by which time, he has finally decided to fall asleep.

I sit down, recollect myself, and reflect on the moment. Seriously, how is it possible that actually just happened?!?! Anyway, 5 minutes later, when the dental assistant comes to get me and asks, how was your morning? I just smile sweetly and tell her "just fabulous." Oh, if she only knew...