It's Been Confirmed...

~ I sometimes use this blog as a journal. This particular entry is one of those times. It's personal and lengthy. Read on if you like.

Yesterday while at school, I received a phone call from Dr. Richards office. The nurse told me if I could get to the office by 4:00, he would work to squeeze me in for the level II ultrasound we needed. I immediately called Walmir and planned for him to pick me up around 3:30 so we could head to the Medical Plaza near Shands. I'll admit that I was a bit of a wreck as far as emotions go. I was hopeful, nervous, flustered, positive, and yet negative; to be honest, I don't really know which. Maybe a little bit of all of them. Anyway, when we were just about there, I realized that I forgot my purse (which is kind of necessary when going to a new doctor's office). I'm trying to call the office to see if they can get by with just Wally's insurance card feeling like a total idiot; meanwhile Walmir's getting more frustrated by the second because we can't find the stupid place. Needless to say, we finally get there, the nurse is a doll and it's not a problem that I don't have my id. They can work it out. Ok, good. Maybe this is a good sign.

We probably wait for a little over an hour and it's not until the office is closed that we're called in. Bless Dr. Richards' heart for staying late just to accommodate us. Anyhow, we have the ultrasound and Dr. Richards checks all the parts of the body. He tells us what he sees and mentions that everything looks good. Then he starts analyzing our little guy's face. He gets really quiet which usually isn't a good sign. I'm following as best as I can and eventually, even I can see the misshapen mouth. I try to stay calm. It could just be the lip. No big deal; one simple surgery.
Afterwards, Dr. Richards meets with us in the conference room and states that there is a definite hole in the palate and that it goes pretty far back. To which I say: "You mean, it's a really severe case." He smiles slightly and apologetically and says yes. He can also detect some irregularities with the gum and teeth line and also mentions that the lip cleft is on both sides, not just one. Awesome. Anything else? Well, often a cleft palate is usually an indicator of another genetic problem, such as some kind of syndrome. Although he didn't detect anything abnormal with the heart or brain, there is still a possibility that our little guy may have some other kind of issue. We just won't know until he's here. Oh, and since we have one child with a cleft palate, our chances are higher that we'll have another child with a cleft palate too. Wow, is that all?

There is nothing else that can be done now; the rest of the pregnancy will be the same and the only immediate problem will be seeing how the baby can feed once he's born. After that, it will be a series of doctors and surgeries for some time. Our next step now is to meet with the head of... to be honest I don't remember who she is, but she'll sit and discuss our options: what kind of procedures there are, where we might want to go to get them done, how many surgeries and how old our little guy will be when he gets them, etc., etc., etc. We thank Dr. Richards for staying late and head home. Surprisingly, I make it through the entire meeting without tears and even make it all the way home. I just kind of stared out the window while I vaguely overheard Walmir talking to his mom.

My emotions kind of range all over the place. I'll have moments when I'm pretty positive. This can be fixed; it'll be a rough couple of years, but it'll be ok. Then, the other side comes. How will we feed him? How much pain will he be in going into surgery when he's so small. How will people treat him? Will it be hard for people to look at him? Will they love him less? And what about me? Will I be strong enough? Will I be good enough for him? I've never been a mother before; can I be anything and everything that he needs?

It's kind of crazy how in just a weekend, everything changes. I can't help but feel like this whole process has been tainted in some way. Rather than just simple joy, excitement and anticipation for him to come, there's worry, anxiety, nervousness and a little fear of the unknown now mixed in. A whole new level and intensity of emotions hammering my thoughts and feelings, testing my strength and threatening to overwhelm me should I allow it.

I've been on my knees more in the last few days than I have been in a while. And in those oh so quiet moments, when it's just me and the Lord, I can't help but feel peace and comfort. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that I can rely on the Lord and for whatever purpose, he has gifted this little spirit to us to teach us and to remind us what life is truly about: humility, family, gratitude and unconditional love.

Walmir and I have already grown closer to one another in just the past few days and through the next few months and years to come, I can see, even through the pain, the uncertainties, and challenges, that there will be overwhelming love and happiness. My goal right now is to stay strong, be as positive as I can and prepare myself for my lil' guy's arrival. I know there will be times when I'm down and tears can broach at any time, but if together, Walmir and I rely on our Heavenly Father, family and friends, I think... I hope... I pray... that we'll be ready.